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Act!

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I have thought hard about situations where COVID happens again. What if something happens to me, something that is so absolutely out of my control that it gives me a new way of seeing life. And I think I just experienced my COVID, only that in this one, death was so near. And yet, seeing death and escaping its fangs makes you appreciate life more. I now want to live. And this new longing to take on life head on comes at a good time. The new year is almost here. It’s December. What a time to make those resolutions and start a clean slate. You and I know there is really no clean new slate, but let’s just delude ourselves that there can be one, okay. Now that that is out of the way, let me let you in on what I have been thinking about. For the past few days, these were the lines in my head: “I want to finish my year excellently.” As in, in everything I do, I want to perfect it. Not in the sense of that crippling perfectionism feeling that makes you edit and re edit work, push things over ...
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Apparently, crickets have ears on their knees...

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                                                                 I was happy today. Happy, just happy. I experience many types of happiness, but the one I like most is the kind that lingers. It has an aftertaste I can still relish even when the cause is long gone. Or maybe they are happy memories, yes, that is the word. And today I think I was conscious when I made one. You might be tempted to judge and say, “Oh, what a trivial thing to hang on to.” But in a life where joy is thrifty, this is huge. So let me tell you what it is. I do not think you care for me justifying its grandeur or its smallness, so here goes. I am taking this class. It is challenging, so challenging that there is no grade for it. I think the professor realized the highest might forever be a B, though students here are full...
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I like beautiful men...

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  On the morning of my birthday, I wanted to start it with God, so I got up early and was ready for church. But the city’s train wasn’t working, and I had to take two buses to church. I hate to admit this, but I am directionally challenged. Reading Google Maps is a hustle for me. This caught up with me even on this day; it seems some things never change, even with age. I got on the right first bus, but for the second one,  wrong bus. Still wanting to go to the service, I saw I could take a train, but yep, I still paid and entered through the wrong subway door. Don’t ask me how this happens. Anything and everything is possible when it comes to me and directions. I was angry at myself.  How can you just not read simple things?  So I walked out of that dark alley leading to the subway, onto the streets, and sat on a bench sulking.  No church for me today, I resolved. What was the point when I was already so late and livid? I said,  I’m gonna do what I’ve been ...
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Battles...

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  And I fight battles every day Some wrapped in emails, Emails that sting and begin with empty thank yous Others come in the form of a bitter ex, Begging for love where none remains. Some battles wear black khaki shorts in winter, With untamed beards and borrowed charm Trying to woo her : Saying "oh, do kiss my broken self, lady" In some, I fight me Throw me to the ring Batter the hell out of her  The wounds, Some heal, Only for my restless hands to pick at their scars. Others fester Festering, forgotten, Until they demand my attention. Oh, help, come soon.
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Teach me how to be properly angry

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 There are emotions that I was not taught well enough to express  A space was never created for me to accept expressing them. And one of them is anger  I get angry  but only behind closed doors  And I don't even know how to be properly angry To explode in anger,  Fuming, shouting, banging things how do people do this,  I get silent when angry and just avoid my aggressor And it's not that I yearn to be uncouth But I just want to express outwardly the wreck that is inside Because maybe then the level of hurt, that I feel would be understood by this aggressor.  Am I always trying to justify if I should be angry  When it's not even my fault that I am Watch out, the next time you trigger me, I will explode  And angry lava will trickle down,  Watch out lest you get scathed Pooofff💣💣💥
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Do you really want to be a mother?

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I think it is a jarring moment where we realize that our mothers are distinct human beings on their own. They are not just our mothers whose lives revolve around taking care of us. They have dreams and desires of their own. As they make flaws in life, choices, they are experiencing life for the first time, just like us. I have always been close to my mother. A tight closeness, that did begin when I was aware of the world. She's shared her heart with me most times and through that, I have always seen her as a friend. So, after form four, I can remember how much I tagged along everywhere she went. I skipped church youth meetings to walk home with her and listen to the same stories/gossip she told me but forgot she did. (pro-tip: just listen as if it is the first time)  My mum is strong and I appreciate her level of patience because I am stubborn-headed,  sulky  and I cry every day at the slightest inconvenience. Going shopping with my mum meant, refusing every thing that sh...
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You’ve been brave before; you only need enough courage for today - Nneka

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This post has been inspired by Nneka Julia from Substack. Her work is incredibly amazing, and the level of skill she pours into each of her posts is worth admiring. You’ve been brave before; you only need courage for today. I saw the thumbnail of this post first thing on Thursday morning last week. That day, I had a class presentation and also a call, and I was super nervous about both, especially the latter. Funny enough, it’s not like it was my first time doing either of those things. I’ve done them before, even when the stakes were higher. It’s strange how courage doesn’t carry over. You’d think once you’ve done something brave, you’d be set for life. It’s like every day, I have to muster up the courage all over again just to do the things I’ve already done. Lately, I’ve been deliberately putting myself in those uncomfortable situations, like having to engage in conversations with people I don’t know, trying to sound calm and collected while my nerves are doing jumping jacks. And y...
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