The Kenyan Seer

  On the morning of my birthday, I wanted to start it with God, so I got up early and was ready for church. But the city’s train wasn’t working, and I had to take two buses to church. I hate to admit this, but I am directionally challenged. Reading Google Maps is a hustle for me. This caught up with me even on this day; it seems some things never change, even with age. I got on the right first bus, but for the second one,  wrong bus. Still wanting to go to the service, I saw I could take a train, but yep, I still paid and entered through the wrong subway door. Don’t ask me how this happens. Anything and everything is possible when it comes to me and directions. I was angry at myself.  How can you just not read simple things?  So I walked out of that dark alley leading to the subway, onto the streets, and sat on a bench sulking.  No church for me today, I resolved. What was the point when I was already so late and livid? I said,  I’m gonna do what I’ve been ...

  And I fight battles every day Some wrapped in emails, Emails that sting and begin with empty thank yous Others come in the form of a bitter ex, Begging for love where none remains. Some battles wear black khaki shorts in winter, With untamed beards and borrowed charm Trying to woo her : Saying "oh, do kiss my broken self, lady" In some, I fight me Throw me to the ring Batter the hell out of her  The wounds, Some heal, Only for my restless hands to pick at their scars. Others fester Festering, forgotten, Until they demand my attention. Oh, help, come soon.

 There are emotions that I was not taught well enough to express  A space was never created for me to accept expressing them. And one of them is anger  I get angry  but only behind closed doors  And I don't even know how to be properly angry To explode in anger,  Fuming, shouting, banging things how do people do this,  I get silent when angry and just avoid my aggressor And it's not that I yearn to be uncouth But I just want to express outwardly the wreck that is inside Because maybe then the level of hurt, that I feel would be understood by this aggressor.  Am I always trying to justify if I should be angry  When it's not even my fault that I am Watch out, the next time you trigger me, I will explode  And angry lava will trickle down,  Watch out lest you get scathed Pooofff💣💣💥

I think it is a jarring moment where we realize that our mothers are distinct human beings on their own. They are not just our mothers whose lives revolve around taking care of us. They have dreams and desires of their own. As they make flaws in life, choices, they are experiencing life for the first time, just like us. I have always been close to my mother. A tight closeness, that did begin when I was aware of the world. She's shared her heart with me most times and through that, I have always seen her as a friend. So, after form four, I can remember how much I tagged along everywhere she went. I skipped church youth meetings to walk home with her and listen to the same stories/gossip she told me but forgot she did. (pro-tip: just listen as if it is the first time)  My mum is strong and I appreciate her level of patience because I am stubborn-headed,  sulky  and I cry every day at the slightest inconvenience. Going shopping with my mum meant, refusing every thing that sh...