HELP!

 

And I did not notice when it came creeping in

Or maybe I did but chose to let it win

Out of nowhere, my heart beats faster,

My jaws lock tight and I yearn for approval.

I spend hours on the same email,

The same résumé, the same text,

Begging to undo every error.

I mince my words, my no I retract

I rethink, retract, just regurgitate.

I delete the post, rewrite the caption,

Ask GPT what to reply.

When did I become so critical of myself?

When did making mistakes feel like blasphemy?

Am I allowed to hurt 

Just a little with my mistakes? 

I pronounce it in my head, undo the accent

Craft the response again, resay, rehearse,

Recraft them before I bring them out.

Even my prayers feel less than true

I forgot the justification,

And I am trying and retrying

To reclaim purity that was not by my works.

My vocabulary now includes:

“But I am not sure.”

When did second-guessing take over my life?

This nest for anxiety.

And trust me, this thing chokes, gnaws,

And slaughters every ounce of peace left.

Even the Words of the Father

I dissect and divide

Oh, help me, God.

Hell has come to my doorstep.