Do you really want to be a mother?

I think it is a jarring moment where we realize that our mothers are distinct human beings on their own. They are not just our mothers whose lives revolve around taking care of us. They have dreams and desires of their own. As they make flaws in life, choices, they are experiencing life for the first time, just like us.

I have always been close to my mother. A tight closeness, that did begin when I was aware of the world. She's shared her heart with me most times and through that, I have always seen her as a friend. So, after form four, I can remember how much I tagged along everywhere she went. I skipped church youth meetings to walk home with her and listen to the same stories/gossip she told me but forgot she did. (pro-tip: just listen as if it is the first time) 

My mum is strong and I appreciate her level of patience because I am stubborn-headed,  sulky  and I cry every day at the slightest inconvenience. Going shopping with my mum meant, refusing every thing that she chose and what was meant to be fun a shopping spree would only end up in tears and arguments. A few years back we went to Gikomba. I was being sulky and annoying as usual because my mum kept entertaining every vendor who'd call her(I know it's petty). That day we ended up coming back empty handed, I refused every item of clothing that I was being offered. That annoyed her and she reprimanded me. When I came to, I apologized and  she said few words that have stuck with me ever since I will aways forgive you because I love you. Am I deserving of that love, I didn't earn it.

 Looking back, I see the many times I was a little annoyed because she didn't know directions in some parts of town that she had been going to for years. For the times when I wanted her to have all the answers. All this time I was blind to the fact that she has just been experiencing life for the very first time every day. And being so far from home has given me time to reflect on this every day and call her every now and then and pour out some of the things that bug me. It is as if the older I get, the more I unlock some level of empathy towards her that I didn't have before. And if I give birth some day, I know other deeper things will unravel and fall into place.

For the better part of my life, my relationship with my mum has been on the cordial side, not the Gilmore girls type but we are confidants and have always been. 

But there are times when I think of motherhood it seems like life stops when you have children and your life is now just about them. It seems like every decision she made, she had to put in mind her kids and I think in as much as that shows her love, the fact that she has been obligated to be that caring and nurturing it is just unfair. The choice to be a mother comes with giving up some sort of freedom. And I don't want to give that up. And maybe I don't see it in the right way because I am not yet a mother. But yes there are days that I think my mother should have chosen herself when she had to make the choice between her life and ours? I do not in anyway support the fact that her dreams had to be put behind in order for us her children to dream because I think taking that risk could just be setting yourself up for sheer disappointment.( because trust me there are kids that you have and as the grow up and make choices you they are just utterly disappointing, I am not even kidding) 

And I know maybe it's an instinct that comes when you birth a life outside of you. You want to nurture this life and sacrifice all you can. But is that the only way to do it?  Say a divorce is happening, am I to be the one that fights to keep the kids, if I chose to remarry and let the man take care of them don't I love them still as much? Motherhood looks beautiful but motherhood has taken away that simple act of dreaming and working to achieve dreams for some women. Or am I just thinking too much?

 Some parents want to live their dreams through their kids. But those achievements don't just hit the same. It just hits different when they are the ones doing it. I think women should be selfish enough to still fight through to achieve the things they wanted to and not have excuses of " I had to do this and this for my children" It's not as heroic. 

I think this love as a mother should come with boundaries. This sacrifice should have limits. When they start infringing on some of our ambitions...Or maybe not all aspects of motherhood means giving up on self ? 

Or what do you think I am missing something? Ama tu ni maneno ya unconditional love ...noma. This is an observation tu from some women in my life!