Reflections from a retired intern

Internships. That's all students eat, dream, and rave about in college, and I am the student. I had been longing deeply and dearly for an internship for the summer, and it was not so much about gaining work  experience but more the title. Not having one meant there was something you were not doing right. Finally, after rounds of interviews and rejections, we landed an internship. My favorite part about it was that it was in New York; the aspects of the job did not appeal much to me. In fact, I felt they were too opposed to my personality. But beggars can't be choosers, and with the staggering statistics of unemployment in the market, I sealed the deal; this summer I had somewhere to be. The buzzword could finally roll over my tongue not as an anxiety-inducing word reminding me of all the ways I had failed, but as a reminder of what would be anticipated for this summer.

Coming into this vocation, I was armed. Having constantly heard all the horror stories of the workplace, I soaked in the wisdom of the do's and don'ts. The Unspoken Rules: Secrets to Starting Your Career Off Right,  The Defining Decade: Why Your Twenties Matter—And How to Make the Most of Them Now , endless videos on YouTube and tiktok, school career coach meetings, I did it all. I had templates of what to say and how to say it. I readied myself to face all could be atrocities from these souls concerned about maximizing shareholder value. In short, I was prepared. 

First few weeks in, and Job's words of what I feared became a reality: I morphed into the awkward black girl. The weight of this being people's perception of me burdened me. Even though I talked to people, I connected with none. I became so hungry for a friend at work, yearning to pour out my heart to someone of the struggles that I had. I felt that I was failing at what seems like the next step after school. Corporate's metrics were a constant reminder that no matter how book smart I was,  this realm was only for the average white audacious boys who, as incompetent as they were, were just confident enough to do shoddily what they needed to do.

When we start caring more about what people say about us, we get drowned in stress. It's impossible to really know what people think of us unless words slip by. The mind can only form theories. As slow as I was in ramping up to what was needed of me, instead of being real that this was uncharted territory that I was slowly getting up to speed with, I only saw myself as a slow learner doing everything but right. 9 weeks later and a few inches more confident, I think I have learned a thing or two about the world and me

I can learn most things

The corporate workplace has always felt like a sea of jargon and pitch darkness to me. And so, I thanked God that I didn't get an offer for the IB internship I recruited for because I probably wouldn't learn all those finacial modelling, LBOs and valuation stuff but in retrospect, I would take time but would still learn. That is reassuring to me, because learning the ins and out of the workplace is the least of my concerns, there are crafts dear to my heart that now I have more confidence that I can do it. 

I can make friends

As silly as it may look, it is but affirming to me. I took time to find my people but I eventually did and funny enough my manager became one. This year I continue to find myself alone most times but God has a way of threading us to still connect to folks who can make us feel at ease. For the next big girl job, I don't need to arm myself against all the atrocities that corporate can be; I just need to flow with all the uncertainty and see where it goes.

I don't have to like something to do it

I considered quitting before the tenure ended but maybe we don't have to like everything we do. Some things are just for the season and after we learn what we need to, we can dip.

'Good' people still exist

I had team mates cover up for me, step in when I was messing up, adopt me when I was cluelessly staring in happy hours, laugh with me  

Easy to lose yourself 

Work feeds into our identity. I am trying to detach myself from that but I don't know how to. So every thing that went wrong, I  blamed myself for it. And the things that went right, I gobbled on that glory.  Looking back, it ain't hat serious. Nobody was gonna flog me if I made a mistake or two. To hold myself to such a high standard, was not worthy of my tears. I am not saving lives and even if I was it still aint the end of the world

Lastly,only prayers have held me together.  

As I come back to myslef and keep learning of the new layers of me revealed, I am still grateful that this is over and maybe I should have approached it with a different mindset but somethings can only be learned by doing. Off to the next corporate adventure, let's see what this one will strip and build!